Behind, but Not Outpaced

October 29, 2025

Lately, I've been feeling behind. Not just in the "I should've studied for that test" kind of way, but in the bigger way the "what if I don't get into MIT" kind of way. The "what if I peaked too early and didn't even know it" kind of way.

My GPA looks like it's been through a storm. Not terrible, but definitely not MIT-clean. I tell myself numbers don't define me but then I see people posting 4.0s and perfect scores, and suddenly I feel microscopic.

Where I Feel Ahead

I still feel ahead in other ways. I'm building things that actually matter to me like FBLACER and my documentation experiment learn.md. I print out code, draw what each function means, and rewrite it in Markdown. It's obsessive. It's also one of the few things that makes me feel like I'm moving forward.

In my essay, I wrote: "Real change comes when people can modify and build on it."

That's the core of everything I do. I document so others can copy, remix, and improve it. I want my work to start chain reactions, ideas that outgrow me.

The MIT Thing

I want to be around people who think like me. People who stay up debugging at 2 a.m. not because they have to, but because they can't stop. That's what MIT feels like not prestige, not a flex, but belonging.

If I don't get in, yeah, I'll regret it. Probably for a decade. But maybe this version of me the one still trying, doubting, and building is feeling more real I dont know how to describe it.

Am I Enough?

Am I a good admit? Would I even deserve it if I got in? I don't know. Those questions never really leave my head.

But I do know this: I like who I'm becoming.
I just hate that it took this long to start.